I am here because my husband and I have been unable to conceive biological children. We are infertile and whether or not it is at the forefront of our minds, we cope with it every day. As I thought and pondered on what I could share with you about coping I decided that I would NOT stand here and give you strategies because I do not feel qualified to tell you what will allow you to move forward with confidence and peace each day. Our experiences are unique and should be approached in a way that personally meets our needs, desires, lifestyle, goals, and the heartache that only we know. I do not believe there is only one correct way to cope. But I do know how I have coped and I believe that this knowledge could bless someone with comfort, confidence, peace, and strength.
When my husband and I got married the thought of children excited us so we decided to welcome a child if one came, but if it didn’t happen, GREAT because we were poor, busy college students. A year went by and nothing happened, which was good because the first year was a hard adjustment and school was everything. Then another year passed and my husband graduated and got a job. Still no baby. Then I graduated and went to work while Jared continued his education in grad school. It was during that period when I was working and my husband finished his MBA, that feelings of being lost and forgotten crept up on me. We had been married for almost 5 years, had full-time jobs, and everyone around us was busy growing their families. We were the only couple left in both sides of our families without children. In the back of our minds, we knew there was something “wrong”. Until this point, we were occupied with other things that were also very important to us, but it began to seem like our lives had less purpose, that we were just hanging out together, which felt very unfulfilling. For some reason it was a hard thing to take the steps to know what the problem was. The unknown gave us permission to stay where we were. But we didn’t want to stay as we were. And we aren’t meant to stay the way we are. We are supposed to grow, change, and experience…even if those experiences are hard. In June of 2006 I was finishing my last doctor’s appointment where I was told that we were at the end of testing and to call if we decide to move forward with IVF… the only way, our dr. said, we would be able to have children. I will never forget the walk back to my car from his office. That short walk seemed to be a mile long. I couldn’t wait to get there so that I could unleash the storm of pain, sadness, fear, and heartache that crept out of my heart and up my throat when I heard what he said. I didn’t want anyone to see me sobbing in the parking lot. I still remember the tightness in my chest, pure physical, emotional, and spiritual loneliness, and the disbelief as I tried to wrap my mind around the fact that what I had been told all my life, what I had dreamed of, expected, been promised as a girl, teenager, and woman, was just not going to be. The world immediately looked different to me. That night I couldn’t talk about my feelings because there was no way to describe the depth of my sorrow. And I usually have a word for every thought and feeling in my mind – but not then. All I could do was run. I ran and I cried and I ran and I cried.
Something happened to me that very same evening as I returned home. As I thought about who I was and what I was going to do, I was filled with peace. I remembered that I was a daughter of God and that I would not be left to my own devices. I remembered heartache that I experienced before and just like before; Heavenly Father still loved me and still had a plan for me. The scripture “Be still and know that I am God” spoke to my heart and mind. The peace was so strong, so simple, and so quick. It was comfort from my all knowing, loving father. No one else could give me that kind of comfort. No one could understand my hurt, not my mother, my father, husband, or closest friends. The Savior is the only person that knows my heart. Jeffrey R. Holland’s spoke about Christ’s understanding of our loneliness and heartache in a talk he gave last year called None were With Him. “He said, “Because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path—the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given…because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ…We will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said: “I will not leave you comfortless: [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].” John 14:18 (v.23) No one else could fully empathize but him. This realization became one of the blessings that resulted from the heartache I experienced. A closeness and reliance upon my Savior that has strengthened me in all aspects of my life.
In Proverbs 3:5-6,It reads, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he will direct thy paths.” He is in control. Without prayer we cannot know what the Lord wants us to do and He cannot fully guide, strengthen, and comfort us the way he can. If we trust in him with all our hearts, we will do the things that bring us closer to him. Through my conversations with Heavenly Father, my faith grew and so did my confidence; so much that I was able to turn my focus from biological children to adoption. Adoption is not a cure for infertility, but it is a miracle that brings joy into your life that you thought was not possible. So I am going to talk about how changing my focus from the loss of a dream of biological children to embracing my path as an adoptive mother has helped me to cope.
First I want to talk about the temple. Around the same time my husband and I had learned of the cause of our infertility, Jared was interviewing for a job in Louisville, KY. We went to the temple before his interview thinking that we would receive guidance and blessings regarding his job search. And we were sure it could only help him have success. While I sat in the celestial room praying and pondering, all of my worries about Jared’s job disappeared and my mind was filled with questions about how I was going to have a family. It was there that I received the clearest answer that I have ever received in my life. YOU WILL ADOPT. Any fears or doubts that had occupied my mind, vanished. The Lord would bless me to be a mother and I knew how. He had a plan and even though I didn’t know it at the time, He was already guiding the birth mother who carried my daughter in her belly. On our way home that day, I turned to my husband and I said, “Jared, we are going to adopt a baby.” To which he responded, “We are?” “YES we are!” Receiving answer to prayer concerning something so important to me so needed, so earnestly sought after, has helped me cope. If Heavenly Father knows this is what I need, this is what will make me happy on this Earth, then I am happy to do it. He knows me. I share this experience because we are promised that “As we go to the holy house…we will be able to bear every trial…The temple provides purpose for our lives. It brings peace to our souls-not the peace provided by men but the peace promised by the Son of God when He said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” In the Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple booklet, it says, “When members of the Church are troubled or when crucial decisions weigh heavily upon their minds, it is a common thing for them to go to the temple. It is a good place to take our cares. In the temple we can receive spiritual perspective. There, during the time of the temple service, we are “out of the world. Sometimes our minds are so beset with problems and there are so many things clamoring for attention at once that we just cannot think clearly and see clearly. At the temple the dust of distraction seems to settle out, the fog and the haze seem to lift, and we can “see” things that we were not able to see before and find a way through our troubles that we had not previously known.” This is true! Visit the temple as often as you can and the guidance and peace you seek is promised to you.
I am not here to tell you that because I adopted, my heartache has disappeared…..In fact, as I prepared for this class and revisited the moments I have shared, I cried as though those feelings were brand new. Infertility is a condition that doesn’t go away...for many of us. What I am saying is - rely on Heavenly Father and the Savior. Do the things that will keep you connected to their guidance and go where you can clearly see the eternal perspective as much as you can. You will know for yourself what it is you should be doing to find happiness and joy despite your infertility and because of it. Naturally and rightfully so, you will hurt at times and that is okay. I love this quote about infertility by Barbara Eck Manning: “My infertility resides in my heart as an old friend. I do not hear from it for weeks at a time, and then, a moment, a thought, a baby announcement or some such thing, and I will feel the tug – maybe even be sad or shed a few tears. And I think ‘There’s my old friend.’ It will always be a part of me.”
When the lost dream of pregnancy comes to mind, the ache is dulled because of the blessings I have received from this trial. They are so numerous and they are a testament to me that I am who I’m supposed to be. I am doing what the Lord wants me to do and he will always answer my prayers, support me, and guide me so that I can be happy with what I am given. I wouldn’t be the person I am without infertility and right now I feel like I am doing what I was always meant to do and I am who I was always meant to be. Nothing feels better than that. Focus on your blessings now and embrace the now.
When I look at my children I remember that they are miracles walking around, direct answers to prayer right in front of me every day. I feel that I appreciate the moments I spend with them more than I might have if I did not need to pray earnestly for them. The fact that they don’t look like me reminds me of Heavenly Father's love for me because he remembered me. So I absolutely love the way they look and I wouldn’t change a thing about them. This is what helps me to cope with the moments I feel like I’ve missed out on something when I see a pregnant woman with that adorable belly. It doesn’t seem like such a big thing to miss when I reflect on my blessings.
HOW FIRM A FOUNDATION (verse 3)
Fear not I am with thee; Oh be not dismayed.
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand.
Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.
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